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she's got betty crocker eyes
27 November 2009 @ 05:40 pm
When do you typically start shopping for holiday gifts? Do you usually wind up buying stuff at the last minute?

i don't even shop for holiday gifts anymore. i've been too broke and my life has been too messy the last few years. i used to make a huge production of sending christmas cards every year, and somewhere in a box in my parents' basement is a jumbo-sized box of cards i bought two decembers ago and then never even had a chance to open because the long-lost-first-and-only-true-love-of-my-life swept me away and i still haven't caught my breath. which might sound really romantic to a perfect stranger, but it's been two solid years now of two crazy people trying and failing to take care of each other because neither one of us has ever been all that good at just taking care of ourselves. and right now i'm 500 miles away from him, on the verge of turning around and going back to the place i just dropped everything to run away from, so i don't even know what return address i'd put on the envelopes even if i had that box of cards in front of me right now. and gifts? shit, who am i supposed to buy a gift for, everybody thinks i've lost my fucking mind. what do you give people for christmas when they all think you're crazy? i can't even wrap my head around holiday gifts. so i'm really bitter about all these early birds who got up and camped out in the freezing cold dark hours of this morning to buy stuff for each other. my father-in-law just bought me a couple of visits to a therapist, and my more-or-less estranged parents just put two new tires on my car, so i guess i owe them something, but christmas presents aren't really about what you owe somebody, so... seriously, wtf? fuck holiday gifts. if i could shop around for a new brain, i'd have gone out and done that today, as a present to myself. if i could snap my fingers and fix myself, that would be a really nice present for everybody else. if i had a whole lot of money, i'd buy a lifetime supply of therapy for my mom, and a time machine, so she could start going a long time ago before she had a chance to really fuck up my head the way she has. oh that's an ungrateful thing to say, isn't it, especially since she just paid for new tires, but goddammit, mom, all the tires are going to do is take me far, far away from you, with no guarantee i'll be back. yep, therapy for everybody next year, if i strike it rich between now and then.
Current Mood: crazycrazy
Current Music: none, but "taylor" by jack johnson has been rolling around in my head all day.
she's got betty crocker eyes
13 July 2009 @ 12:40 pm
for real, that's how long it's been since i posted anything here.

that's about to change, because a lot has happened and a lot is happening right now and i have a feeling there's plenty more that hasn't even happened yet but will be worth writing about when it does.

i have some thought organizing to do, but stay tuned. buggirl is coming back.
Current Location: my living room
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
Current Music: cat stevens on repeat
she's got betty crocker eyes
22 November 2006 @ 10:40 am
so i went back to raleigh this past weekend - this time for suzi's birthday. and it was fun. we went out to some bars friday night, and did girly stuff on saturday and then i ended up missing the keg party saturday night but we hung out some more on sunday and ate at el rodeo before i left.

i had talked to jim a few days before i went, and then friday night when we were out at snookers i was on the phone with him practically begging him to come out and meet us when out of the blue he said "no, no, i don't think so" and just hung up on me. i was pissed off and more than a little hurt, but as i stood there dialing someone else's phone number (outside the entrance to the bar cos it was too loud inside) some dude came along from the parking lot and stopped just as he got to the door to light a cigarette. i turned away as i got back on the phone, so as not to be totally rude to the total-stranger, but he kept standing there, relatively near to where i was standing, and it started to creep me out, until i finally looked over at him and it was....jim, standing there smoking and grinning and waiting for me to stop being a retard. yay! it was funny. we went inside the bar, where we talked for awhile until it was time for the assorted birthday posse to proceed to the next establishment.

jim offered to drive me there since it was a bit more than walking distance and i had planned to leave my car there at snookers anyway because eventually we were all going to catch a cab home or something like that. so he and i went to snoopy's where got a hot dog before we headed down to the next bar. when we got to katmandu, we sat at a table kind of away from everybody else and got to talking. at first we were just generally catching up, and then we sort of stumbled onto the topic of "us". which you'd think would've been really shocking to me, because he was the one to bring it up, but at that point i guess i was a bit anesthetized by a couple of drinks, so i just sat there very calmly and tried to hold up my end of the conversation as he started talking about how he'd been very hesitant to pursue anything with me in the past because i just didn't seem to have it together or have any idea where i was going in life. he said that after i moved back home in the spring, he and his mom talked about it and imagined that i would probably not ever move back there. then months went by, during which we talked a little bit here and there but sometimes not very much, and then zac's dad died and that kind of put us back in touch. then a few weeks ago when i was in raleigh for my last court date ever, i stopped by his work on my way out of town to say hello and tell him my excellent news, and so now at our table at katmandu he tells me that he hasn't been able to stop thinking about me since that day, and then the word "distance" started to get thrown around a little bit. unfortunately, it was at that same moment that the birthday posse decided to move along to PB's for some ass-shaking, and he definitely didn't want to go there with us. he suggested that the two of us go get a room somewhere so we could talk more, but in the end that didn't happen - there was **MAJOR DRAMA** involving the birthday posse, so he left to go home and i went on with the birthday flow.

so then i talked to him the next day and we met up that evening for a drink and then some more drinks and then eventually we got ourselves a hotel room and a bottle of moet and sat around watching TV getting ridiculously tipsy on champagne and laughing about silly stuff and kissing and what-have-you, and it was insanely fun, but we never got back around to the "where do we go from here" part of the interrupted conversation, and when we woke up the next day it was really late and he had to scramble to get me back to my car and get to some restaurant to meet his family for lunch, so it wasn't the ideal good-bye "when-will-i-see-you-again" situation, and i have been dangling in suspense ever since.

i talked to him for a few minutes on monday during his lunch break while i was downtown doing homework before class, and then last night quite a bit actually. we tossed around the idea of him coming here to visit, but he hates driving for hours on the highway by himself, and then we looked up airfares from rdu to the asheville airport - which for some ungodly reason are horrendously expensive and require stopping in other cities, some of which are not even in this state. WTF?! so that was very disappointing. but we looked at prices for trips to other places, like vegas and miami, and it would almost be cheaper for us to go somewhere else altogether. i don't know. i just want to see him again as soon as possible. i don't really care where.

i spent a lot of years thinking he was really cool, and then a few years having a mostly unrequited crush on him, and then some months in that miserable friendship-with-benefits situation with him, and then i moved back here and assumed that was the end of it. at some points it even seemed like just basic friendship was no longer an option.

but now i have my shit together, apparently. and now he is interested. but how interested? i don't know, cos he never said. interested enough to find a way to see me again soon? i hope so. i mean, if i have to, i will drive to raleigh again soon. although i just got back from there 48 hours ago and the idea of making that drive all the time kind of makes me want to kill somebody. so i don't know what the fuck. i'm really pissed off about the airfare prices. it seemed like such a brilliant idea when it occurred to me yesterday. i was gonna try to get him a ticket to come here for new years eve, or for his birthday weekend in january. but no. oh well.

i have these giant economy-sized industrial-strength butterflies flailing around in my guts. it's crazy. i have no idea what is going on. i'm so afraid i'm getting my hopes up for no good reason. totally terrified of that, actually.

wtf wtf wtf wtf wtf.

i really hope this doesn't end up hurting. i'm so scared but i want to see what happens. i want something good to happen. i'm so impatient. but only because i don't want to end up crying over him again.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck what am i even doing, i should know better than this...

i'm toast.
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
Current Music: belle and sebastian, "the state i am in"
she's got betty crocker eyes
15 September 2006 @ 03:57 pm
oh man, i haven't written anything in so long...

i've even been neglecting my myspace blog and i'm on there all the time.


well the latest news is that i love my job at the elementary school, i have recently met some extremely cool people who are unfortunately moving to california next month, and everybody except for me is having babies and getting married. oh, and i have a scratch on my eyeball right now and it blows.

that said, looking at the computer screen kinda hurts right now, therefore i am not going to elaborate on anything until next time. which will be soon, i swear.
Current Mood: uncomfortableuncomfortable
she's got betty crocker eyes
14 July 2006 @ 02:02 pm
so i'm going to atlanta with my parents this weekend, to see this:


and i am really, really, REALLY excited about it.

so i'm working at earth fare now, some in the juice bar and some in the deli.

last night was my first night in the deli, and it wasn't nearly as awful as i thought it would be. it was a lot less hectic than the juice bar. on the other hand, it closes later and takes a long time to clean up. switching back and forth between the two will be great. i like changes of scenery.

i am going to be a Title I assistant at the elementary school starting in august, i have a little bit of paperwork to finish filling out but they have officially offered me the position, sah-weeeeeet! :)

and, guess what, i officially have a dog. this cute little dog wandered over to our house the other day, and decided to stay, so we've been feeding her, and yesterday my dad and i gave her a bath and he took her to the vet while i was at work.

the vet found that she's got a microchip, and it is from the animal shelter in Newport, Tennessee, which is pretty far away from here. he called the shelter and they gave him the number of the lady who adopted the dog quite some time ago. then he called the lady and she said she'd given the dog away to her neighbor shortly after she adopted it. she turned over official ownership of the dog to my dad, so we have to get the microchip reprogrammed or whatever, and i guess we will never know exactly how she got from somebody's house in newport TN to our yard over here in the middle of nowhere.

so she's about 2 years old, and she looks mostly like a golden retriever but a bit smaller - right now she weighs 50 pounds but she's very thin so i'm sure she'll gain a bit now that she'll be eating regularly. she is so adorably goofy and sweet, but skittish and absolutely starved for affection. i'm calling her Pepper, but my mom doesn't like that name. but who cares - we decided she's mine, and whenever i move away from here she will go with me, so i can call her whatever i want. my mom always thinks my ideas are dumb. fuck it. i have a cool-ass dog AND a kick-ass kittles. and i'm going to see *the bodies*!!! and my job is awesome!


happy weekend, everybody :)
she's got betty crocker eyes
well, i'm back. again. literally, physically back, i mean. i have been in shallotte, NC, for a few days with my mom. shortly before that i was in monticello, KY, with my mom, my aunt betty, and my 82-year-old cousin. i am a little bit sick of family road-trips right now. actually, i'm a little bit sick of my family right now. oh well, it'll pass - the change of scenery was refreshing.

monticello is this quiet little town in eastern kentucky where my grandmother ("Nanny") grew up. my mom and her sisters hadn't been there to visit since they were kids. our cousin everett (the 82 year old) had grown up there as well and moved to asheville when he was 18. he has been back to monticello a few times so they all decided to go together, and to take me with them, since i had never been there but used to hear stories about it from nanny when i was little. in the end, my aunt linda (the one from alabama) decided not to go with us. so anyway, we spent a few days there and for the most part i enjoyed it. downtown monticello was kind of depressing - a lot of run-down and deserted buildings due to the two strip-malls (complete with a wal-mart) within a few miles - but they have a museum there, on the ground floor of an old hotel, which was actually very impressive. we spent a few hours in there one day and i really enjoyed it. whenever the photos get developed i will post some. it was really pretty there.

so then a few days after we got back from there, my mom had to go to shallotte - another quiet little town, just above the NC border between wilmington and myrtle beach - for a meeting at brunswick community college. so i went with her, partly to keep her company and partly because i have been craving a beach fix. nick was thinking about kidnapping me for the weekend to go to some big crazy bike rally in hot springs for drunken camping and general mayhem, but i figured that might be a bit too upsetting for my parents. so my mom and i drove for many hours to the opposite end of the state, and stayed in a totally creepy hotel (it looked much better on the website when we made the reservations), and i got to spend a little quality time at ocean isle beach with my feet in the atlantic ocean, and that was great. it was actually slightly quicker to drive through SC, via columbia and florence, and because there are two things being sold up and down the side of every road in that whole state, i will probably dream about peaches and fireworks all night.

we actually stopped and bought some peaches somewhere off highway 22. i just finally ate one. they're delicious. we didn't buy any fireworks, though.

it was so excellent to be at the beach. i love it here in the mountains. but holy shit i want to live at the beach. if i can ever get finished with goddamn school, i am going to have to look for a teaching job somewhere on the coast.

so now i am back here and it is saturday night and i am already bored all over again. i can't even have my nightly conversation with nick because he is in hot springs, damn him.

the big head todd show was in raleigh today. i wish i could've gone. if my mom were cool, i would've suggested driving home by way of i-40 and stopping in raleigh to go to that concert. we could've stayed at somebody's house for free. but alas, my mom is not cool like that.

oh so yesterday during my mom's meeting at the college, i was just wandering around the campus, and at noon all these bells started ringing - like, bell-tower-type-bells. and do you know what they were playing? puff the magic fucking dragon, that's what. at first i thought maybe i was hallucinating from the heat, but no, it really was puff the magic dragon. and when that song was over, the bells played that "yankee doodle gal" song. later on, i heard them playing "somewhere over the rainbow". it was bizarre. i left suzi a voice mail so she could hear it, i hope she could hear it anyway...

i've had a few calls from jim lately. i haven't answered. the message he left yesterday was "okay, i give up." i guess he is offended by my utter lack of interest in having a conversation with him. i am willing to bet that if you asked him, he would not be able to come up with any reason i might have for ignoring his calls. that is kind of funny. wait, no. not funny. sad. if i should ever see him again, i swear i will be perfectly civil. but what is there to talk about in the meantime? i mean, really. you got to know when to hold 'em, and know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, and know when to run. right? right.

well i can't think of anything else to mention. so i will leave you with some sneeches, until next time...

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Current Music: bnl, *rock spectacle*
she's got betty crocker eyes
15 June 2006 @ 09:26 am
first of all, this:

yes, i still read the nc state student paper. why not? then if anything important happens, i can make fun of how badly someone's gone and written about it! seriously though...this story is TERRIBLE. maybe she's a freshman. why am i so critical? is it because for a split second back there in my teenage years i wanted to be a journalist and now i'm bitter because i did something else instead? is it because i'm simply bitter that i am missing all the free concerts and overpriced bud light in downtown raleigh this summer? or is it just that i like to find things to make fun of and complain about for recreational purposes? who knows...probably all of the above :)

second, this:
recently i got the cutest brown airmail package containing the loveliest of mix cd's from jessica in jolly olde london towne, and it is delicious, and i love her, and i just wanted to publicly express that because i should've thanked her by now and i've been lazy about the ol' livejournal. jess, you rock, and one day i'll get yours in the mail. which day is that, you ask? oh, that would only ruin the surprise... :D

next, this:


i did not watch the interview, because i did not want to spend all that time afterward having to clean up all my vomit. she is gross. just, gross. *shudder*

so, okay, one day i'm going to get my own digital camera so i could take beautiful photos of my pets, a la cortneytree, but these will have to do for now.

and since i am too retarded to know what to do about tags, i'm just going to throw these right in here. sorry, kids.

here is kittles, snoozing in the kitchen:
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here are molly (the golden retriever), hunter (the pbgv), and kittles, lounging on my parents' bed:
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Current Mood: boredbored
Current Music: the postal service, "nothing better"
she's got betty crocker eyes
14 June 2006 @ 09:38 pm
Your Inner European is Irish!

Sprited and boisterous!

You drink everyone under the table.
she's got betty crocker eyes
04 June 2006 @ 10:14 pm
this is a bulletin that crossed my path on myspace.

i am finding it quite hilarious.

i only wish i could watch as it continues indefinitely.

This is a breakup letter. Help us finish it by only typing THREE MORE WORDS in the letter, and then pass it on. This will be hilarious!!! Be creative!

Yvonne- I'm sorry but
Angie - this can't go
John - on. Sometimes, people
Erica - have sex with
Danielle - random animals. The
Colie- animal gets pregnant.
Missy - I must be
Darrel - hitting a nerve...
Andrea - This is so
Joe - you not me,
Holly - you crazy stalker.
Julie- I'm dating your
Rich - entire family, and
Amber - the fetishes with
Jason - midgets have gone
Luna - crazy, and I
Bullet - have dirty STDs,
Supergirl - and i take
Victoria - seven hours to
Cole- take a dump,
Marcella - and I cant
DJ Jaykubs - cum without bleeding.
Hay Hay ~ But thats the
misty - smallest problem. You
christopher - remind me of
Danielle R. - a platypus with
Patron Angel ~ a large hairy
Elisha - butt. Where did
Ariel - that giant wart
Katherine- come from? Sometimes
Katie-you make me
Marissa - cringe. I hate
Jon - the way you
Lauren - smell and the
Barr - thing on your
Shana- toe makes me
Garrett - vomit a lot.
Aaron - I should really
Adam - hit you with
Andy - the truth. My
Hannah - relationship with your
Trip Jupiter - father, which began
Jill- with anal beads
Elizabeth -- and chocolate pudding,
S_L_T - now includes your
Steph- favorite high school
ASH - math teacher, Mrs.
Tolar--Flemming, the quadraplegic
Nikki~that likes to
Rhonda - use handcuffs and
becca - edible panties. We
she's got betty crocker eyes
31 May 2006 @ 10:57 am
i've just been catching up on my friends page (something i do less frequently than i should, now that i have been sucked down the myspace vortex of doom) and one of cortney's posts has reminded me of one of my own Things To Do That Suck.

since i moved back here, my mom is all over me to clean out my dresser and get rid of stuff i don't wear anymore. namely, stuff i left here when i moved away before and didn't even miss for many years. so now i'm here, and i have several dresser drawers crammed to capacity with mostly old t-shirts.

now, i am a packrat by nature, but i have gradually been learning to be more and more discerning about what i keep and what i throw away. when i moved out of the apartment with dustin last fall, i really was totally ruthless - i ended up with 8 or 9 trash bags for goodwill, because i'd been saving clothes for years, thinking that a) i'd wear them again if i just remembered that i had them, and b) i'd wear them again if they ever fit me again. those all had to go, cos i was in a hurry to move out and didn't know where i was going to end up and it just seemed like a good time to downsize as much as possible. and some of the stuff i gave away, i actually might have been wise to keep, but oh well, it's gone.

however. here i sit, a few feet away from my giant collection of old t-shirts that are of extreme personal value, despite the fact that they've been stuck in these drawers, untouched, for several years and in many cases have no hope of ever being worn again, no matter how much i love them.

take, for example, the ginormous booger-green Everyman Jones and the Stick People t-shirt i paid james corbin $10 for near the end of our senior year of high school. i haven't worn that shirt since, well, shortly after the end of our senior year of high school. but throw it away? are you fucking kidding me?! i can't imagine that i'll ever really wear it again, it's way too big and shapeless and that may have been my style when i was 17 but not so much anymore. but i can't bear to get rid of it, it reminds me of some of the good parts of that year, and even though that band has disappeared from existence and it's not like i ever went to see them play anywhere else after that year anyway, i have to keep that shirt. i have to keep it crammed into a drawer that never sees the light of day. because.....i have to.

ditto for the *SENIORS* t-shirt that i got a shitload of people to sign with sharpies shortly before graduation. i did (misguidedly) wear that shirt a few times after the fact, and it was washed, and some of the signatures began to fade and i had to retouch them with a newer, better sharpie at some point, but eleven years later i can't possibly get rid of that shirt. that shirt fucking rocks. that shirt has been autographed by tosh welch, for fuck's sake, am i going to take that shirt to the goodwill? oh hell no.

then there is the ridiculously large tie-dyed, cow-printed ben and jerry's t-shirt i bought in chapel hill while visiting the elder boyea girls with tammy during our spring break in 11th grade. i wore the shit out of that shirt for awhile there. and then i came to my senses. but i still fucking love that shirt. it's not going anywhere.

oh let's not forget the rocky and bullwinkle shirt i got at universal studios the summer i was 15, it's faded and stained and generally decrepit, but seriously, it was one of my most favorite t-shirts ever, i can't possibly throw it away.

and so on... the hideously yellow chiquita banana youth-league soccer shirt that looks like it's been chewed, partially digested, and violently regurgitated... the goofy frontier ranch shirts i paid too much for in colorado and stopped wearing shortly after the end of that summmer... the unimaginably tacky nc state shirts i acquired during a freshman year burst of enthusiasm... the frank's roman pizza shirt that is so worn that you could probably easily read a newspaper through it... the save-the-rainforest shirt that used to look oh-so-right with the peace sign pendant birkenstocks that are now so mangled that they've gone around the bend from worn-in comfort to worn-out useless... the crayon/iron/sandpaper shirts i learned to make at summer camp and then the one that reads "LIFE IS A FREAK SHOW - GET YOUR TICKETS NOW" which i made with cortney and natalie and tammy at a sleepover party later that year... and one of my all-time favorites, the Hominy Valley basketball shirt that says COACH on the back, which i actually bought at a thrift store in the first place, and is now in no condition to ever be worn again, being the bearer of at least one serious cigarette burn-hole and some inconceivably unsightly armpit stains.

these are only a few of the treasures in my dresser. and i know exactly what's in there, because i've tried to go through them. several times. but when i take them out and pile them up and start trying to sort them into smaller piles of yes and no, i get really sentimental about where they came from, and the times we shared, and they all end up getting crammed back into their drawers, and my mom continues to think i haven't cleaned out my dresser because i'm too lazy, and not because i'm actually sort of pathologically attached to what seems like every t-shirt i've ever had the pleasure of owning.